The guru of no guarantees

I had an epiphany about guarantees recently.

I was in the beginning stages of meeting someone through online dating. We'd talked for about 20 minutes and had decided to get together the following week. Some concerns had come up but I was okay with going ahead.

The day before our meeting, my date sent me a note asking whether I resembled my photos, that he'd been burned before.

“What do you want, a guarantee?!!!”, I thought. Online dating or maybe dating in general these days, is fraught with uneasiness and expectation.

I was irritated, insulted and kept thinking about HIS attitude!

I did end up calling off the date but the thing that came to me later, was that if I'm honest there’s a part of me that longs for guarantees, certainty, assurance of quality-just like my date!!

So to nail this even further, I thought I'd put down a few for you here:

For my creative ventures, this part wants a guarantee that every piece I make or project I produce turns out awesome, impressive. And people will want more! No confused messes, nothing ugly or angry or boring. None of that!

And I want a guarantee that I'll be able to push into all the fear and resistance that's held me back. That I won't give a shit about the new and scary. I want a guarantee!

That I will always be sexy-feel sexy-look sexy-guaranteed!!

I want a guarantee that all the effort, time and money I’ve put into relationships and workshops on relationships and books on relationships and discussions on relationships will pay off and with great potential and great success. That we WILL find each other.

I want a guarantee that I will always be adored and adoring.

That I'll be healthy and ever gorgeous even until the last days!

And I want to know that all the effort (etc!) I've put into my meditation practice, will have been worth it. I want to know that I will maintain a clear and still mind, always. And that I will become enlightened!  :-)

Most of this has the edge of a rant. Something shifted though when I allowed myself to get into it, to freely rant, be unreasonable and demanding. Felt totally right. I am learning to love the art of being unreasonable.

And now I'm also seeing that it's all about what I do WANT. That it's not so much a rant but more like an audacious ask, as a dear friend once suggested.

I want to be inspired and inspiring. I want to see the usual shit and stop engaging it. 

I want to feel alive, healthy, vital, always sensually, sexually, ever present till the end of my life.

I want my creative work to touch people, to transform our way of being in the world, seeing in the world.

I want a relationship that's all about support and challenge, the crucible for growth and engaging fully. And love.

And I want to keep thriving in my meditative life, in whatever form I will be most served and most able to serve.

But I've also realized that if I demand certainty and no risk in how it all comes in, then I will miss out on the mysterious way these things do come about.

And I want that-the mystery.

Many thanks to the man I almost had a date with. Maybe he just wanted to get it right this time. Got it.


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Posting these two pieces in appreciation of my no guarantee guru! Don't know where either are going!